Sunday, April 25, 2010

What we have here is a failure to communicate

So what do I want to write about? Failure. I'm not even sure what movie that quote is from, but I love it. Aren't all failures failures to communicate?

Maybe. At least mine are. What do I have to say about failure? I need to know if I should be hard-nosed, hold myself to an impossibly high standard. The activist vegans may be right about everything, about the need for universal impossible standards.

It's the question of whether I want to hold myself and other people, the universe, God even, to the standard of perfection or whether I want to forgive. It's the question of grace versus the law all over again. If I believe in the law, I refuse to forgive myself or other people. If I believe in grace, then what?

Then I have a hard time. I've always prided myself on not being one of those loosey-goosey hippies who say I'm okay, you're okay, everything's okay, but what if actually everything is okay? What if all shall be well and all manner of thing shall be well? What if there isn't a problem?

The hard part, as with every relationship and every piece of art, is that same one: trust. I have to trust my life partner, as difficult as it is and as as often as I've had that trust fail. If I don't, the moment I don't, is when any marriage, friendship, relationship begins falling apart. I know that. Trust in God is that much harder, and trust in myself harder still, especially when I've betrayed that trust in myself countless times.

Countless times. My trust in God always pans out eventually, but my trust in myself does not.

I spent Thursday through Saturday backpacking at Savage Gulf with a college friend, and yesterday at the track, dodging tornadoes. I'm back now.


David said...

It's from Cool Hand Luke - with Paul Newman. Great great movie, you should rent it.

Trust is definitely something hard to come by, and once it's been broken can never fully come back.

Melissa said...

I've heard long legends about "Cool Hand Luke." I wish Redbox had it.

Do you really think, though, that trust can never come back? Maybe trust is more like muscle fiber, and sometimes needs to be tested in order to grow stronger.

Amy said...

Trust is often broken by its very nature. If it's a guaranteed thing, it wouldn't be called trust.

Melissa said...

Good point, Amy. I keep going back and forth on this trust thing. It's so crucial, and so difficult for me. For everyone, maybe.