Thursday, April 01, 2010

The hysterical bride in the penny arcade

When we were on the boat, hanging out with the dock boy in Bimini, I wrote this note in my little notebook: “DR as doable.” At that point, we were terrified about approaching hurricane season, and my goal then was push, push, push. Push towards Hispaniola where we’d be safe for the season. It’s been three years now, since then. That edge of terror from my life is gone, and reading that note makes me remember a moment in time when I actually believed that we were going to make it. We could have made it. We could have, but we didn’t. I could imagine the future, but I couldn’t foresee it.

I’m feeling the need for adventure in my life again. Yeah, buying land and building will be an adventure, but an adventure in stability. I’d like to have some moving around adventure, too. I’m almost decided, almost enough to say it out loud to myself, but not decided enough to promise anyone else, that I’m going to do at least a week solo on a trail this summer. My Appalachian Trail self scoffs. A week? Please. Part of my fear in hiking for just a week is that I’ll want to keep going. I won’t be able to stop. I know I won’t want to stop. But can I convince myself that there are other things that are as important? I don’t know.

Anyway, it’s been too long. This summer, I’m carving out the time and the money for myself to go live in the woods for a while.

This morning during final meditation in yoga--shavasana, my favorite--I had this brainstorm about this guarding my heart question that's been bothering me all of Lent. That's been bothering me my whole life. My brainstorm was this verse: "the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Bible verses run through my mind often in shavasana, the way I imagine the psalmist was talking about when he said: "I meditate on your precepts." So that one came to me. The peace that passes all understanding (or transcends it, in the NIV). That's what I want.

What's interesting is that it's the peace that passes understanding that's supposed to guard my heart, not my own effort. That's the answer to how I open my heart and guard it at the same time. By finding the peace that passes all understanding, and resting within it. It's the peace that guards my heart. Not me.

If I think about it that way, I don't have to hold my heart clenched in order to keep it guarded. I have to hold it open, work at holding the peace inside of it. Again, just like in yoga. No clenched toes. No clenched teeth. No clenched fists. Open mind, open hands, open heart.

(As a side note, I posted a bunch of pictures from last year on my Flickr page. I've been really horrible about updating it, but I hope to be able to post a bunch of pictures from the Alabama trip soon, too.

Also, to contribute to the multimedia glut, here's a song for today:


bob said...

Hey, I haven't read your blog in months, maybe a year and I just randomly checked in today seeing it in my old favorites and was very happy to read such a great post. From the Dylan lyric title, to the Phillipian's verse to Belle and Sebastian -- it was well done. I was so excited I ran down and told my wife about it. I'm heading back out to enjoy the sun, but just wanted to let you know I appreciate the post

Melissa said...

Thanks, Bob! Glad to hear the comment. Sometimes I think the only person who appreciates all my random conjunctions is me, so at least there's one other person!